SOME OF THE STORIES TOLD BY HANK
I know that a story loses about
1/2 of its interest and impact when it is written. The only way to really get a
story over to the listener is to narrate it but I�ll be long gone when these
stories are told, so the only way to pass them on is to write them down. You
will miss my facial expressions, inflections and innuendoes but this is
probably better than letting them die in my memory. Some may be a little
off color but we are all adults and have heard worse, so here goes.
You all have heard that
expression several times in your life but I have discovered the origin of it.
The expression started way back in the revolutionary days when General George
Washington was leading a company of troops near Washington D.C. He came to the
banks of the Potomac river and told his troops to make camp as they were going
to spend the night there.
While the troops were busy, he stood
along the bank and was looking at the Lee Mansion on a hill on the other side.
He remembered the teachings of the Polish General Clausewitcz who in his classic
book on wars stated 'Keep the men well fed, a little grog now and then, a good
nights rest etc, and they will be better warriors'. 'Hold it men, the
General shouted, The Lee Mansion is just across the river [It was an Inn in
those days, a sort of B and B] Lets spend the night there and get a good meal
and a little grog too'. Up went a shout from the men 'Hurray for the
General' They broke camp and manned the boats and crossed over the river.
On the far shore the General lined
the men up and as he paced back and forth in front of them he said 'Men,
we'll spend the night in the Inn but we have to be careful since the British
are in the area'. 'I'll need sentries to patrol the river bank and change
sentries every two hours'. At that moment Private Peters stepped forward,
saluted and said, 'Sir I'll volunteer for the first shift'. 'O K '
said the General. 'I want you to patrol between that large oak tree and a
creek to your left. If you see the enemy, fire two rounds'. 'Yes Sir' said
Peters and saluted and started his march to the oak tree.
'OK men, up the hill'. When
he arrived at the Inn, the General knocked on the door and the Innkeepers wife
opened it. The General said 'I'm General Geo' He was cut off by the lady
who said 'I know who you are Sir, how may I help you?' George said that he
would like to spend the night at the Inn with his troops. 'We can handle that,
Sir. How many of you are their?' George looked about, counted and said '18
without Peters'. The Innkeepers wife responded with 'HOW ABOUT THAT!'.
You all remember Quasimoto, the
hunchback that was the bell ringer at Notre Dame cathedral in Paris. Well, he
passed on and the Bishop was looking for a replacement so he put an ad in the
Paris Nifty nickel. A paraplegic answered the ad but the Bishop told him that
the job was too strenuous for him and he needed a person that was more mobile
and not in a wheelchair. The jobseeker pleaded with him stating that he could do
the work, needed a job and to please help a handicapped person.
The Bishop relented and said that he
would give him a chance to prove that he could 'Ring the Bell'. They went up
into the belfry for the test. The jobseeker, in his wheelchair backed to the
very edge of the roof and then propelled himself at full speed toward the bell.
At the last second, he put his face forward and slammed into the bell. It rang
loudly but his velocity bounced him out of the chair and over the parapet and
down he went to the street below.
The Bishop ran down to the street and
when he arrived, a large crowd had gathered, including the police. As the Bishop
went over to view the body, a policeman asked him 'Do you know this man your
GRACE?. 'No' said the Bishop , 'BUT HIS FACE SURE RINGS A BELL'.
Being of German descent and able to
speak halting German when I was young, I've always had an interest in the
derivation of German words. I've found that the brassier was invented in
Germany many years ago by a Baron Von Floppen. His First name was Gibson. And
the word for brassier in German is GIBSON VON FLOPPEN!!!
One day a salesman for Tyson Chicken
Co. visited the Pope. He said 'Your grace, If you will change just one word in
the Lords Prayer, my company will pay you $500,000'. 'Instead of saying
'Give us this day our daily bread'. 'we would like for you to say, Give us
this day our daily chicken'. The Pope mulled this over and then said "I
don't think that I can do that'. The salesman persisted. 'Your Grace, I
can raise the offer to $750,000' the Pope again refused the offer. The
salesman then said. 'Your Grace, I have a check made out to the Catholic
church for $1,000,000 and I will give it to you if you will change the word
'bread 'to 'chicken'. The Pope thought for a long time and then
said 'OK'
The Pope called together the college
of Cardinals [not the St. Louis group] and said. 'Gentlemen, I have some good
news and bad news to relate to you. The good news is that the Catholic church
has a check for $1,000,000 for our work. The bad news is that we have lost the
Wonder Bread account'.
If you remember, the old pirate ships
were propelled by slaves who manned the oars. The master of the slaves [I'll
call him the Chief] walked on a plank down the center of the oarsmen cracking a
whip to keep them working. A double snap meant a five minute break.
This one day the chief gave a double
snap and all the slaves cheered. He said 'Men I have some good news and some
bad news from the Captain. First the good news. You will all get a ten minute
break today and for supper you all get a double slug of rum'. The men cheered.
'Now for the bad news!. Right after dinner, the Captain wants to go
water skiing'.
A guy named Jack died and as he
approached St. Peter he was told that he should join the 'Heaven group'. He
was elated and as he entered Heaven, he was met by his old friend Joe. 'Boy am
I glad to see you, tell me all about this place' 'Well', Joe said, 'Do
you like to drink?' Jack answered 'Yes, of course'. 'You are going to
like Mondays' said Joe. 'You can have all the best brands of booze, beer is
on tap at several spots and it's all free. You are going to like Mondays'
He continued 'Do you like good
food?' 'OF course ' said Jack. 'Well you will love Tuesdays because we
are served the best steaks, lobster, shrimp, fish. lamb and all the good things
that go with it. Oh, by the way, are you queer?'. 'Hell no'. Jack replied.
'You are really going to hate Wednesdays' said Joe.
Three young Nuns were killed in
a car crash. They arrived at the Gates of Heaven and were met by St. Peter.
'Welcome to Heaven' said St. Peter. 'I didn't expect you for at least
another 50 years. I saw that terrible auto crash and now I would like to invite
you into heaven. Before you can go in though, you have to answer a simple
question'.
To the first Nun he asked 'Who was
the first man?'. She answered 'Adam'. The bells rang, the cymbals clanged
and the Angels flew by. 'You may enter Heaven'. He asked the second Nun
'Who was the first woman'?. She thought and answered 'Eve'. The bells
rang, the cymbals clanged and the Angels flew by. 'You may also enter
Heaven.' Then he asked the third Nun 'What were the first words that Eve
said to Adam?' She thought and thought and finally said 'Gee! that's a
hard one' And the Bells Rang and the cymbals clanged!!!!!.
A guy walked into a bar with a big
alligator on a leash. He put the alligator on the bar and the patrons all
hollered for him to get that thing out of there . He told them that it was
harmless and well trained and would not bother anybody. Nobody believed him and
continued to protest. He stopped them by saying that he would prove it by a
demonstration.
He hit the alligator on the head very
hard with a beer bottle and the gator opened his mouth wide and held it that
way. He then unzipped his pants, took out 'Johnny One Eye' and put it in the
alligators mouth. The gator didn't move. He then took it out of his mouth, put
it back in his pants and again hit the alligator hard on the head with the beer
bottle. The gator closed his mouth. He then said that he would give $100 to any
body that would do that. Nobody would take him up on the offer until a
small blonde in the back of the bar said 'I'll do it if you promise not to
hit me on the head with the bottle'
A first grader raised his hand
on his first day in school and the teacher said 'O K Johnny, you may go to the
boys room'. He left the class and returned about five minutes later and
announced 'I can't find it teacher'. She said that it was OK and she
appointed a second grader to take him to the boys room. Out they went. The
second grader returned in about two minutes and said' We found it teacher. He
had his underpants on backwards!'.
This Hermit had lived in the hills
for about eight years and hadn't had contact with anybody during that time. He
survived on rabbits and deer and grasses and berries. One day another man walked
into his camp. 'Boy am I glad to see you. I haven't seen anybody in seven or
eight years'. The stranger said that he had heard that there was somebody
living up here and came over to invite him to a party. 'Party, Party,' said
the Mountain man 'I've never even thought of a party in all these years.'
The stranger continued, 'Let me
tell you about it. I have some beef'. 'I haven't tasted beef in years'
answered the mountain man. The stranger continued, 'I've also got some
whiskey, a radio for music and even some dancing will happen after dinner'.
The mountain man was ecstatic, 'I can't believe all this, Wow!' The
stranger interrupted him and said 'Maybe even a little sex later on'. The
Mountain man was beside himself, jumping up and down and finally said 'I
don't think that I can come, I don't have anything to wear' The stranger
said 'That is O K, it will just be you and me'.
Three French gentlemen were
discussing the true meaning of 'savoir-faire' when the first gentleman said
'let me give you an example, you arrive home and your wife is nowhere to be
seen. You go upstairs, open the bedroom door and she and a stranger are in bed,
nude!' You say 'Excuse me' and close the door.
They agreed except one
man said 'That is almost correct. The same circumstances, you open the door
see them in bed and say 'Excuse me, please continue'.
The third gentleman agreed
except for one addition. With the same circumstances, you open the door, say
'Please excuse me , do continue'--- and he does!!!! That is savoir-faire.
A friend of mine takes just a quarter of a pill. Claims that
it stops him from peeing on his shoes.
A female reporter from England was
visiting the USA. During her trip in the states she was taken to a major league
baseball game and was told that if she didn't understand something, to ask
questions. The lady carefully watched the full first inning and when it was over
she said 'I do have a question.'
She continued 'I saw a man select a willow and stood at the spot that
you call Home Plate, whereupon a gentleman hurled a sphere which made contact
with the willow and the gentleman dropped the willow and scampered to the spot
you call first base.
A second gentleman also
selected a willow and stood at home plate whereupon a gentleman hurled a sphere
which also made contact with the willow and that gentleman scampered to first
base and the gentleman on first base scampered to second base.
Now a third gentleman selected a
willow and stood at the home plate. A gentleman hurled a sphere which failed to
make contact with the willow. He did it again with no contact. A third and
fourth try without any contact with the willow whereupon the gentleman dropped
the willow and sauntered to first base. My question is, why did this man saunter
when the other gentlemen scampered? Well you see ' He had four balls'. 'Oh
that would impede his progress!'.
A tall Texan was visiting
Newfoundland and met a diminutive Newfoundlander Note, The Newfoundlanders are
sometimes referred to as ' Newfies' even at times as 'Goofie Newfies'
The Texan asked the Newfie what he did for a living, he replied 'I'm a
farmer. I have a quarter acre, a cow, a garden and a pig and we get
along.' The Texan said 'I'm also a former. Let me tell you about my
farm. If I make my lunch take it with me in my car and drive due west,
stop for lunch, eat my sandwich and then continue driving due west, when
the sun goes down, I'm still on my land'. The Newfie looked up at him and
said, 'You know, I Had a car that bad one time too'.
This company BOSS had had his eye on
his secretary and had propositioned her and although she had accepted his
advances, there had been no opportunity to consummate the budding affair. Things
changed suddenly when the wife proclaimed that she was going to visit her sister
in a distant town. The boss was jubilant and he and the secretary made plans.
On the departure day the boss drove
his wife to the airport, kissed her good-bye, raced back to the office, picked
up the secretary and proceeded to his house. This was to be consummated in the
'Big House'. Things proceeded very rapidly, a few martinis, a little kissing
on the mouth, some 'Touchy-feely' and up they went to the master bedroom.
Some foreplay and they were both very
excited and were about ready for the 'Magic Moment' when she said. 'I
won't do it without some PROTECTION' He said 'Don't you have your
diaphragm?. She said 'no'. She said 'Don't you have a rubber?.' He
said 'NO'. Then he said , 'Wait a minute , I'll get my wife's
diaphragm.
He went through every drawer in the
bedroom but to no avail. He returned to the bed and proclaimed 'My wife
doesn't trust me, she took it with her'.
The locale of this story is in
northern Minnesota in the dead of winter. A sparrow had great difficulty in
finding enough food to survive, in fact she was about to expire and with almost
her last bit of strength, she fluttered to a telephone wire that stretched
across a street. There she teetered, barely holding onto the wire. Miracle of
all miracles, along came a horse drawn sleigh and just as it passed under the
wire, the horse dropped a large steaming 'LOAD'.
After the sleigh passed, the sparrow
dropped onto the 'PILE' and gorged her self to the fullest. Now, with
a hot meal in her stomach and knowing that she could survive, she flew up onto
the wire and was merrily singing in a loud voice. Along came a young boy with
his slingshot. He heard the bird making all that racket, took out his slingshot,
took careful aim and killed the sparrow. ! What is the moral of this story?.
'When you are full of SH--, shut up'.
Three steelworkers were having lunch
on a steel beam about 39 stories up. The Jewish worker opened his lunch and
stated. 'Corned Beef again, If I get that once more time, I'm going to jump
off.' The next worker, an Italian opened his lunch and said 'Meat balls
again. If I get meatballs one more time, I'm going to jump off'. The third
worker, an Irishman, opened his lunch and said 'Ham and cheese again, One more
time and I'm going to jump off'.
The next day the three of them had
lunch together at the same spot. The Jewish worker opened his lunch, saw the
corned beef and jumped into space. The Italian opened his lunch, saw the meat
balls and also jumped. The Irishman opened his, saw the ham and cheese and
promptly jumped also.
At the funeral for the three of them,
the wives met. The Jewish wife said 'If I had known that he didn't like
corned beef, I would have made something else. The Italian wife said 'If
I had known that he didn't like meatballs, I would have made something else'
The Irish wife said' I can't explain it, he always made his own lunch.'
(1) Do you know why the blonde climbed the chain link fence?
To see what was on the other side!
(2) A blonde drove her car through a thunderstorm and the hail made many small
dents in the body. She took the car to the local body shop. The mechanic knew
her. He told her to take it home and if she blows real hard up the tailpipe, all
the dents would pop out. She did exactly that and while she was busy blowing up
the tailpipe, her blonde girl friend came and wanted to know what she was doing.
'I'm blowing up the tailpipe to pop the dents out'. Her girlfriend shouted
'You Dummy, You have to close the windows first'.
(3) Three blondes were walking on the beach when they spied an old bottle.
One of them picked it up and a Genie came out of it. He said ' I will give
each of you one wish 'The first Blonde said that she was tired of being called
a dumb blonde and wanted 35% more intelligence and immediately she was smarter.
The second blonde gave the same rational except that she wanted 50% more
intelligence and this wish too, was granted. The third blonde said 'Wait a
minute. I'm pretty smart, I have a business, a nice home, car and I don't
need any more intelligence. In fact, I'll give you 75%' and immediately she
was a 'man'.
(4) Blonde with an economy class ticket gets on an airplane and walks up to the
first class section and takes a seat. The stewardess advises that she will have
to go back to the economy class. She fluffs her hair, wiggles a little and
exclaims 'I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Chicago'. The
stewardess is gracious and again explains and again the blonde says' I'm
blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Chicago'. The stewardess calls the
Captain and explains the problem. The Captain says 'I'll take care of
this'. He leans over and whispers in the blondes ear and she jumps up and
makes a beeline to the rear. The surprised stewardess asked the Captain what he
said?. He said 'I told her that this section wasn't going to Chicago'.
[5] A Redhead goes into the Doctors office and complains that wherever she
touches herself, there is pain. She demonstrates by jabbing herself with her
middle finger of her left hand into various spots of her anatomy and wincing
each time. The Doctor examined her very thoroughly and then told her to sit
down.
He said to her 'You are not a redhead are you'? She answered 'No'.
You're a blonde, aren't you?' She answered 'Yes'. He said, 'You're
middle finger is broken!!'.