xx
ri
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COME ON PEOPLE, WE KNOW YOU HAVE ROADRUNNER STORIES TO SHARE WITH US

Quiz.
Which of the following is the infamous Groom Lake House Six.

Sheri's Ranch Brothel

Sheri's Ranch Brothel

House Six at Groom Lake

Chicken Ranch

Chicken Ranch

Another Quiz.
Which of the residents of the infamous Groom Lake House Six collected all these "House" photos?

 

Colonel Slip Slater's Basic Flying Rules at Groom Lake

1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.

2. Do not go near the edges of it.

3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.


****************************************************************

FIGHTER PILOTS

by

Dick Roussell

 Male and Female Brain Development Report from National Institutes of Health


 All babies start out with the same number of cells, which over nine months,  develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are  instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells needed to develop  a  male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned  elsewhere in the female. 


Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications  center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. Now the brain is sort of similar to a full deck of cards, so this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak, and some of their cards are in their shorts. 


This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to  read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket  over their heads and running into walls. 


This basic cognitive difference continues to develop until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. 


Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Engineers." 


Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically  referred to as "Fighter Pilots."

Bits of the Past

By Roadrunner Sam Pizzo

Guys, do you remember.....???


1.First day going to the Ranch ? Burt Barrett picked up Ray Haupt and
myself to take us up there, as he knew where to go. We promptly took the
wrong road after picking up our passes and were taken into custody by
the gendarmes, Holbury had to bail us out. Many four letter words erupted
between those two on that day, all Holbury's.

2.Great rides up to the Ranch in Bob's Jag. Not so great though in Doc
Kimball's Austin ( ? ) as it always overheated.

3.Me helping the Lockheed folks to build our Card Table and Bar for
House Six. Also the placing copies of the Playboy Centerfold girls under
plastic in the chip trays. The prize seat being the one with Sophia
Loren. What Boobs !

4.The nine o'clock sandwich game. No one could drop out and the winner
had to take orders for the table and go pick up the hamburgers. We REALLY
needed to eat more.

5.Lou Shalk and I putting the epoxy top to the bar. Burgie becoming the
resident bartender.

6.If you played poker, you ate at 1700 hrs and ran like hell to get a
seat , as Bob stated, at the worlds longest running poker game.

7.The seafood runs made in conjunction with the C-130 Engine repair runs
to Westover AFB. How will they ever explain all those oyster shells in
the desert ?

8.Chasing Mountain Lions down the sides of the surrounding hills in
Charlie Trapp's chopper at less than tree top level. Sporty eh what ?

9.Or how about chasing wild horses on the Utah flats in Gil Sanders
C-130 at an altitude of the horses rear ends.

10. Great moment when Lou Shalk rolled the Bird on take off ( as
mentioned by Bob Seymour ).Was he not fired by Kelly for that ?

11. How about climbing around the mountains west of Salt Lake city
looking for the parts of A-12 that crashed up there.

12 . Ever do celestial leg in a F101 with Mel Vodvodich, and while taking
a sun shot, he asked what I was doing I replied getting a fix so I could
tell where we were. We were then immediately upside down, the sextant
flying around, and Mel saying something like, there's Salt Lake City, I
know where we are.

13.Remember the day Holbury and Nelson went verbally toe to toe in the
Command Post. Something to do with us Navigators. Nelson was taking up
for us. Good man.

14 And how about our section making up the film strips for the pilots
with ALWAYS having a big boobed girl at the start and end. The pilots
enjoyed it, then Holbury walked into a briefing just as this beauty
popped up on the screen. He called me in for a father son talk. Ouch.

15.And finally the testing of the special maps and the chemicals and map
storage container. When ejecting the chemicals were released, automatically, under
pressure, to flow into the can and destroy the maps .I went down to
Burbank to see the test. A static display was set up on a piece of
plywood and the Lockheed folks sat around a table in front. A switch was
thrown, the black chemical flowed, filled the can and the top NOT having a
locking mechanism flew open and there were a few black impersonators
sitting around the table. Laughter by us still white guys was not
appreciated.


Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035:


Ozone created by electric cars, now killing millions in the 7th largest
country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's
3rd language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "Chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the
Middle East (formerly known as Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan, Egypt, Syria &
Lebanon).

Iran and Iraq are still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at
least one hundred more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,
but President Chelsea Clinton has banned smoking.

George X. Bush says he will run for President again in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
mail delivery to Wednesday morning only.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Massachusetts executes the last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules imprisonment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows: it
crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers,
flyswatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered as weapons by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to
liberals campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with Congressman.

Nevada Legislature Approves Annexation of Area 51 to North Las Vegas

Congress orders IRS to lower individual tax rates to 75%.


Royal Flying Corps
MONTHLY SAFETY REPORT

INTRODUCTION
Another good month. In all, a total of 35 accidents were reported, only six of which were avoidable. These represented a marked improvement over the month of November during which 84 accidents occurred, of which 23 were avoidable. This improvement, no doubt, is the result of experienced pilots with over 100 hours in the air forming the backbone of all the units.

RESUME OF ACCIDENTS

1. Avoidable accidents this last month:
a. The pilot of a Shorthorn, with over 7 hours of experience, seriously damaged the undercarriage on landing. He had failed to land at as fast a speed as possible as recommended in the Aviation Pocket Handbook
b. A BE.2 stalled and crashed during an artillery exercise. The pilot had been struck on the head by the semaphore of his observer who was signaling to the gunners.
c. Another pilot in a BE.2 failed to get airborne. By an error of judgment, he was attempting to fly at midday instead of at the recommended best lift periods, which are just after dawn and just before sunset.
d. A Longhorn pilot lost control and crashed in a bog near Chipping-Sudbury. An error of skill on the part of the pilot in not being able to control a machine with a wide speed band of 10 MPH between top speed and stalling speed.
e. While low flying in a Shorthorn the pilot crashed into the top deck of a horse drawn bus near Stonehenge.
f. A BE.2 pilot was seen to be attempting a banked turn at a constant height before he crashed. A grave error by an experienced pilot.
2. There were 29 unavoidable accidents from which the following are selected:
a. The top wing of a Camel fell off due to fatigue failure of the flying wires. A successful emergency landing was carried out.
b. Sixteen BE.2 s and 9 Shorthorns had complete engine failures. A marked improvement over November's fatigue.
c. Pigeons destroyed a Camel and 2 Longhorns after midair strikes.

COST OF ACCIDENTS:

Accidents during the last three months of 1917 cost 317 pounds, 10 shillings and sixpence, money down the drain and sufficient to buy new gaiters and spurs for each and every pilot observer in the Service.

ACCIDENT BRIEFS:

No. 1 -- Brief No. 912 Squadron, 3 December 1917,
Aircraft type BE.2C, No. XY 678, Total solo --
4.20hrs, Pilot Lt. J. Smyth-Worthington, Solo in type -- 1.10hrs.

The pilot of this flying machine attempted to maintain his altitude in a turn at 2,500 feet. This resulted in the aeroplane entering an unprecedented manoeuvre, entailing a considerable loss of height. Even with full power applied and the control column fully back, the pilot was unable to regain control. However, upon climbing from the cockpit onto the lower mainplane,the pilot managed to correct the machines altitude, and by skilful manipulation of the flying wires successfully sideslipped into a nearby meadow.
Remarks: Although, through inexperience, this pilot allowed his aeroplane to enter an unusual attitude, his resourcefulness in eventually landing without damage has earned him a unit citation.
R.F.C. Lundsford-Magnus is investigating the strange behaviour of this aircraft.

No. 2 -- Brief No. 847 Squadron, 19 December 1917,
Aircraft type Spotter Balloon J17983, Total solo 107.00hrs, Pilot Capt. * * * ,
Solo in type 32.10hrs.

Captain * * * of the Hussars, a balloon observer, unfortunately allowed the spike of his full-dress helmet to impinge against the envelope of his balloon. There was a violent explosion and the balloon carried out a series of fantastic and uncontrollable manoeuvres, while rapidly emptying itself of gas. The pilot was thrown clear and escaped injury, as he was lucky enough to land on his head.

Remarks: This pilot was flying in full-dress uniform because he was the Officer of the Day. In consequence it has been recommended that pilots will not fly during periods of duty as Officer of the Day. Captain * * * has requested an exchange posting to the Patroville Alps, a well-known mule unit of the Basques.

No. 3 -- Brief Summary of No. 43 Brief, dated October 1917.

Major W. de Kitkag-Watney's Nieuport Scout was extensively damaged when it failed to become airborne. The original Court of Inquiry found that the primary cause of the accident was carelessness and poor airmanship on the part of a very experienced pilot. The Commandant General, however, not being wholly convinced that Major de Kitkag-Watney could be guilty of so culpable a mistake ordered that the Court should be re-convened. After extensive inquiries and lengthy discussions with the Meteorological Officer and Astronomer Royal, the Court came to the conclusion that the pilot unfortunately was authorised to fly his aircraft on a day when there was absolutely no lift in the air and could not be held responsible for the accident. The Court wishes to take this opportunity to extend its congratulations to Major de Kitkag-Watney on his reprieve and also on his engagement to the Commandant General's daughter, which was announced shortly before the accident.

FLYING SAFETY TIPS:

Horizontal turns. To take a turn the pilot should always remember to sit upright, otherwise he will increase the banking of the aeroplane. He should NEVER lean over. Crash precautions. Every pilot should understand the serious consequences of trying to turn with the engine off. It is much safer to crash into a house when going forward than to sideslip or stall a machine with engine troubles.
Passengers should always use safety belts, as the pilot may start stunting without warning. Never release the belt while in the air, or when nosed down to land. Engine noises. Upon the detection of a knock, grind, rattle or squeak, the engine should be at once stopped. Knocking or grinding accompanied by a squeak indicates binding and a lack of lubricant.

WATCH THAT FIRST STEP. The First Marine Air Wing had this write up in their Safety publication Wing Tips: It was conceded by all that the pilot had accomplished a brilliant piece
of work in landing his disabled machine without damage under the circumstances. It is not with intent to reflect less credit upon his airmanship, but it must be noted that he is a well experienced aviator with over 40 total hours in the air, embracing a wide variety of machines, and this was his seventh forced landing due to complete failure of the engine. It was doubly unfortunate that upon alighting from his machine he missed the catwalk on the lower airfoil and plunged both legs through the fabric, straddling a rib, from which he received a grievous personal injury.

21 December 1917

John-Culbertson
Colonel

Royal Flying Corps

 

STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURES FOR AREA 51 OPERATIONS


Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -then they get bigger again)

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.

The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.... Landing is the first!

Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands.

Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.

Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day.

A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion.

Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Young man, was that a landing or were we shot down?

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.

Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.

Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.

Son, I was flying airplanes for a living when you were still in liquid form.

It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.

Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.

Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Things which do you no good in aviation:
Altitude above you.
Runway behind you.
Fuel in the truck.
Half a second ago.
Approach plates in the car.
The airspeed you don't have.
The pee bottle locked in the baggage compartment/another airplane/hangar.
Tow bar attached as you takeoff.
Unattached gas caps.
Cowl plugs attached as you roll. ect.

Flying is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel like a boy, but not for one who still is.

Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.

Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.

Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!


High Flight for All by: Roadrunner Dick Roussell

High Flight

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings; Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth Of sun-split clouds -- and done a hundred things You have not dreamed of -- wheeled and soared and swung High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there,
I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long, delirious burning blue,
I've topped the windswept heights with easy grace Where never lark, or even eagle flew.
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.

-- RCAF Flight-Lieutenant John Gillespie Magee Jr.
(1922-1941).
****************************************************************

Chopper Flight

Oh, I've slipped the surly bonds of earth And hovered out of ground effect on semi-rigid blades;
Earthward I've auto'ed and met the rising brush of Non-paved terrain;
And done a thousand things you would never care to Skidded and dropped and flared low in the heat soaked roar.
Confined there, I've chased the earthbound traffic And lost the race to insignificant Headwinds;
Forward and up a little in ground effect I've topped the General's hedge with drooping turns Where never Skyhawk or even Phantom flew.
Shaking and pulling collective, I've lumbered the low untresspassed halls of victor airways,
Put out my hand and touched a tree.

****************************************************************

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of rope A few feet from "The Road".
I whip the Schweitzer 'round so fast Exceeds the max'mum load.
I've slipped, I've stalled, I've spiral dived,
Spun past the sixth full turn.
"You can't do that!" the new ones say,
They've got a lot to learn.
I find a thermal, turn in it To try and gain some height.
But I must beat the towplane down Or this is my last flight!
On 2-3 fly a crooked base Then crank the plane around.
Or 2-9: pass the hangers then I dive straight for the ground!
But the best is 3-6 final when I know I should be higher,
Put out my hand and touch The passing telephone wire!

****************************************************************

Intruder Flight

Oh! I've slipped through the swirling clouds of dust, a few feet from the dirt,
I've flown the 'truder low enough, to make my bottom hurt.
I've rode the deserts, hills, valleys and mountains too,
Frolicked in the trees, where only flying squirrels flew.
Chased the frightened cows along, disturbed the ram and ewe,
And done a hundred other things, that you'd not care to do.
I've smacked the tiny sparrow, bluebird, robin, all the rest,
I've ingested baby eaglets, simply sucked them from their nest!
I've streaked through total darkness, just the other guy and me,
And spent the night in terror of things I could not see.
I've turned my eyes to heaven, as I sweated through the flight,
Put out my hand and touched, the master caution light.

****************************************************************

High Flight ( FAA Supplement)

1. Pilots must insure that all surly bonds have been slipped entirely before flight is attempted.
2. During periods of severe sky dancing, crew and passengers must keep seatbelts fastened. Crew should wear shoulderbelts as provided.
3. Sunward climbs must not exceed the maximum permitted aircraft ceiling.
4. Passenger aircraft are prohibited from joining the tumbling mirth.
5. Pilots flying through sun-split clouds under VFR conditions must comply with all applicable minimum clearances.
6. Do not perform these hundred things in front of Federal Aviation Administration inspectors.
7. Wheeling, soaring, and swinging will not be attempted except in aircraft rated for such activities and within utility class weight limits.
8. Be advised that sunlit silence will occur only when a major engine malfunction has occurred.
9. "Hov'ring there" will constitute a highly reliable signal that a flight emergency is imminent.
10. Forecasts of shouting winds are available from the local FSS. Encounters with unexpected shouting winds should be reported by pilots.
11. Pilots flinging eager craft through footless halls of air are reminded that they alone are responsible for maintaining separation from other eager craft.
12. Should any crewmember or passenger experience delirium while in the burning blue, submit an irregularity report upon flight termination.
13. Windswept heights will be topped by a minimum of 1,000 feet to maintain VFR minimum separations.
14. Aircraft engine ingestion of, or impact with, larks or eagles should be reported to the FAA and the appropriate aircraft maintenance facility.
15. Aircraft operating in the high untresspassed sanctity of space must remain in IFR flight regardless of meteorological conditions and visibility.
16. Pilots and passengers are reminded that opening doors or windows in order to touch the face of God may result in loss of cabin pressure.

BLONDE FOOTBALL

One of the Oxcart pilots took his blonde girlfriend to a UNLV football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.
"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
"What on earth do you mean???"
"Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back".

" From an OXCART A-12 Pilot who overflew North Viet Nam a year before the multi-crew SR-71.
"Though I fly through the Valley of Death, I shall fear no Evil for I am at 90,000 feet and climbing "

By: Roadrunner Ken Collins

THE PLAN"

In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan, as usual, was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Airmen.
And the Airmen spoke among themselves, saying, "This is a crock of shit,
And it stinks."
And the Airmen went unto their NCOICs and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the NCOICs went unto their Superintendents saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Superintendents went unto their OICs, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the OICs spoke among themselves, saying to one another, " It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong. "
And the OICs went to the Commanders, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.
And the Commanders went to the General, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth & and vigor of the Air Force with very powerful effects."
And the General looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that, my friends, is how shit happens.

By: Roadrunner Tom Bolich

In his book," Sled Driver," SR- 71/ Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:

"I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (his backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace."
"Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed. "90 knots" Center replied.
Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered.
"We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day.. as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout." "There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty".
"Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause....
"Aspen, I show 1,742 knots"
"No further inquiries were heard on that frequency"
~~~~~~~~~~
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft).
The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, " We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it."
He was cleared...

 

Aviationism's by Roadrunner Michael Schmitz.

When one engine fails on a twin engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blue sea Navy truism - There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never trade luck for skill.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are, "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and " Ooh Shit!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Progress in airline flying - Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Airspeed, altitude or brains - two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A smooth landing is mostly luck ; two in a row is all luck ; three in a row is prevarication.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Av truism; Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter-and therefore, unsafe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Navy carrier pilots to Air Force pilots - Flaring is like squatting to pee.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding it or doing anything about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Advice given to RAF pilots during W.W.II. - When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you. (Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum. (Jon McBride, astronaut)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. (Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic pilot)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it - ride the bastard down. (Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. (Paul F. Crickmore )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime (sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time. (Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV." (A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' of an A-320).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity"

 

Some Military Humor
By: Bob Meador

During training exercises, the lieutenant, who was driving down a muddy back road, encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." "Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, ... "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now
let's try it again.
Officer: Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How do you know if there is a NAVY fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between God and NAVY fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a NAVY fighter
pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

By an anonymous Roadrunner

A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a master sergeant from Nellis AFB walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take an M1A monkey, please."
The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the sergeant, saying," That'll be $1,000." The sergeant paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that M1A monkey can rig aircraft flight controls, score 300 on the Air Force Physical Fitness Test, and perform the duties of crew chief with no mistakes. It's well worth the money."
The tourist spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive--$10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one is a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey; it can instruct all levels of maintenance troops on military aircraft and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What could possibly make it worth that much?"
"Well, I've never actually seen it do anything, but his papers say he's a "Pilot."



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